Social Grace: Manners on a Dance Floor

Dear Social Grace,

I'm in my late 30s. I have been out for several years, and I have been enjoying the club scene, more or less, for the past six years or so. I also volunteer, go to Pride events and have a decent circle of friends -- gay and straight, male and female. However, I am not the best at social situations -- especially when there are other potentially single gay men there, as I can be shy. At clubs, then, it gets even worse with the music, smoke, liquor and bad lighting.

I have, therefore, never caught on to what to do and what not to do on the dance floor, such as close dancing/grinding, touching other guys, eye contact, and what to do with that piece of lime that keeps getting stuck under my shoe! Any general tips?

Thanking you in advance, Socially Inept at the Disco

Dear Socially Inept Sir,

Much depends on the type of dance floor you're grooving on -- having good manners is very dependent on context, and sometimes your best bet is to start by paying attention to other people and taking your cue from them. For instance, country & western-style dance-floor behavior is very different from White Party-style dance-floor behavior.

If you're heading out for some traditional-style dancing (two-stepping or ballroom, for instance), etiquette rules are easy to find on the Web (and are often provided by the venue). However, dance-floor behavior for the typical gay nightclub seems somewhat less well defined. To help remedy that, here is a list of 10 dance-floor dos and don'ts:

1. Please don't smoke on the dance floor. (Since the early '90s, I've had a small scar below my left ear -- the result of a cigarette burn left by somebody trying to smoke while vogue-ing in a crowded disco.) The only thing flaming on a dance floor should be you.

2. Likewise, please don't bring your cosmopolitan onto the dance floor (unless you are extremely coordinated and almost totally sober). If you do, you are almost guaranteed to spill your drink on someone wearing an irreplaceable vintage silk shirt.

3. Please don't wear irreplaceable vintage silk to a crowded disco -- that is, understand that when you go out dancing, you may be jostled a bit, there may be a bit of beer sloshed on you, and so on. You must be able to take these things graciously in stride (if you can't, then crowded nightclubs are perhaps not for you). Sometimes, having good manners means being patient with people whose behavior is less than perfect.

4. If you do happen to slosh a bit of your drink on someone or accidentally step on someone's toes, please do try to make eye contact and apologize (or at least make an apologetic face). A little "Excuse me" goes a long way.

5. Please do keep in mind that the entire dance floor does not belong to you. Yes, yes -- we're all terribly impressed with your form; but it is crowded in here. Be considerate of others -- there may not be enough room to wow the crowd with your "dahnce" training.

6. Before "bumping and grinding" with someone, please do make sure that your attentions are desired. Of course, in a loud nightclub, you can't exactly walk up to a person and ask, "May I have this dance?" But pay attention to eye contact and facial expressions, and make an effort to introduce yourself before grabbing someone around the waist. Failing that, start by touching someone's arm or shoulder to get his or her attention. Make sure that gesture is well received before moving on to dirtier dancing.

7. Please do relax and have fun. Try not to be too self-conscious about your imagined lack of dancing skills, or too shy about dancing "alone" on a crowded dance floor. One of the best ways to meet cool people is to be nice, friendly and polite, and to stop worrying about the judgmental snickerers who turn up every now and again.

8. Please do be respectful of nightclub staff: Tip appropriately, obey security personnel and don't pester the DJ. (She has your request, and she'll play Mariah if and when it fits into her set.)

9. Please do leave the dance floor if you're not dancing. If you must have an important conversation, move to a quieter area (no one likes to be screamed at). And don't attempt to have a cell-phone conversation while dancing.

10. Please don't leave garbage and empty glasses on the dance floor. And be alert: That lime that sticks to your shoe (or that beer bottle on the dance floor that's five minutes away from sending your favorite drag queen tumbling to the ground with a fractured ankle)? Pick it up and put it in a trash can.

Written by Charles Purdy

Please direct your etiquette, ethics and manners questions and comments to charles@dearsocialgrace.com. Also, visit www.dearsocialgrace.com for more Social Grace.

Photos: Getty Images